Gatotsu to the Head
by Iyami-sama
Summary: Saitou and Aoshi start up a dojo and get a visit from Sano. Ripping off of the Frantic's "Ti Kwan Leep (boot to the head)"


I don't own these people, what makes you think I own these people? I do own a sword though. But it's a German one, and we all know how everyone feels about the German Arc.  
  
This one's for Maia Serrelinda, http://www.fanfiction.net/~maiaserrelinda, because she's a bit obsessed with Saitou's trademark move...  
  
**********  
  
Sanosuke Sagara wandered the streets of Kyoto aimlessly. At least, it appeared to passers-by that such was the case. The truth read more along the vein of "Rooster head was lost. Again." After passing the same kiosk three times in a row, he made a left at the end of the street instead of a right, and found the object of his search. He had heard of a new dojo that Aoshi Shinomori had started, which somehow didn't surprise him. After all, the weasel girl couldn't very well go around robbing bandits while pregnant. However, it was the partner Aoshi found to help him run the dojo which suprised Sanosuke. Saitou Haijime. Probably the last person he expected to moonlight as a sensei after his day job. He spat out the near constant fishbone from his mouth and stepped inside.  
  
It appeared that class was about to begin, as several students were milling around. He spotted Saitou and Aoshi easily enough, and smiled at both, and both simply raised an eyebrow in reply.  
  
Aoshi quietly clapped his hands. "Approach students, close the circle at the feet of the master. You have come to this dojo, asking that we be your guide along the path to enlightment through the sword, Ti Kwan Leep. Be warned. To learn its ways you must first learn the ways of your own soul. Let us meditate upon this wisdom now."  
  
Sanosuke shook his head as the students joined in a low, meditative drone. Aoshi, sure, but what was Saitou doing here? Time to kick things up a notch. He stood up from his position on the floor. "Yo! Aoshi!"  
  
Neither Aoshi nor Saitou even flinched. It was Aoshi who spoke. "Who dares disturb the circle, as a pebble disturbs the stillness of the pond?"  
  
"That'd be me. Sanosuke Sagara."  
  
Aoshi slowly opened his eyes. "Sanosuke. Sagara."  
  
"Yeah, no disrespect or nothin', but how long is this gonna take?"  
  
"Ti Kwan Leep is not a door, but a path leading on towards the horizon."  
  
"So, like, what, an hour or so?"  
  
"We have not even begun upon the path," Aoshi said icily.  
  
"You should learn patience," Saitou added.  
  
"Yeah, patience, and how long is that gonna take?"  
  
"Time has no meaning. To a true student, a year is as a day."  
  
"A YEAR?! I wanna knock some heads around right now!" Sanosuke yelled, slamming a fist into the palm of the other. "I wore my 'bad' suit, not monk's robes!" He finished by Futae no Kiwami-ing a nearby post.  
  
"Knock. Heads. Around." Aoshi said slowly.  
  
"Ti Kwan Leep is designed for self defense. Ki Lo Ni, the great teacher, said this. Offense is useless in this Meiji Era," Saitou stated.  
  
"Yeah? Well, the best defense is a good offense. You know who said that? ME, and I can prove it" Sano replied, producing a fishbone from somewhere and clamping down on it.  
  
"Ti Kwan Leep is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of hostility," Aoshi said, allowing the younger man to grate on his meticulously patient nerves. "Meditate upon this truth with us."  
  
"Listen, Icicle! Are you gonna show me some moves, or am I gonna start wiping the dojo with you?"  
  
Saitou stood, bringing his sword with him. "Sanosuke Sagara, you fail to grasp Ti Kwan Leep. Approach, that you may learn." He unsheathed the blade, letting the scabbard fall back to the floor with a clatter.  
  
"Alright," Sanosuke cheered, shaking his shoulders loose, "finally some action."  
  
"Observe closely, class," Saitou said, assuming his trademark stance. "Gatotsu to the head."  
  
whip-thunk   
  
"OI! You Gatotsu-ed me in the head!"  
  
"You are lucky, Sanosuke Sagara. Few novices experience so much of Ti Kwan Leep so soon," Saitou said, looking at the visibly shaken Sanosuke. "Now, we continue with the meditation," he said, resuming his Lotus position next to Aoshi.  
  
"Hey! Hey, I wasn't ready! Come and get me now, Ciggy!"  
  
"Gatotsu to the head."  
  
whip-thunk   
  
"Ow... okay, now I'm ready... try it now..."  
  
"Gatotsu to the head."  
  
whip-thunk   
  
"Oroooo... I think I'll just lie down here for a minute, de gozaru."  
  
"Now class," said Aoshi, "we shall contin-"  
  
"Master," a student interrupted.  
  
"It is unwise to tip the vessel of knowledge," Aoshi retorted with a glare.  
  
"Gomen nasai, masters, but I feel that Sanosuke Sagara is not wholly wrong."  
  
"Explain," Aoshi said, icicles dangling from the word.  
  
"I want to knock some heads, too."  
  
"Have you learned nothing from the lesson of Sanosuke Sagara?"  
  
"Yes, master. I have learned two things. First, that anger is a weapon only to ones opponent."  
  
Saitou allow a brief, tiny hint of a smile. "Very good, and second?"  
  
The student stood, grasping a bokken in his hands. "Second, get in the first shot. Gatotsu to the head."  
  
whip-   
  
"You missed."  
  
"Ah, yeah...well, um..."  
  
"You, too, shall be honored to learn much of Ti Kwan Leep today."  
  
"You know, you don't have to...   
  
"Aku. Soku. Zan."  
  
"I gotta be goin'... uh... somewhere... far... away..."  
  
"Gatotsu to the head."  
  
whip-thunk   
  
"URK! OrooOOoOooooOoOOOOoOooo"  
  
Saitou straightened. "Can anyone tell us the lesson that can be learned here?"  
  
A student timidly rose, clutching her bokken to her chest. "Yes, master, not a single one of us could defeat either of you-"  
  
Aoshi nodded. "You gain wisdom, child"  
  
"-So we'll have to gang up on you! Get 'em, guys!"  
  
The entire student body rushed the two dojo masters, who readily cleaned everyone's clocks.  
  
"And now, class, let us rejoin the mind to the body, and gaze into the heart of the candle in meditation of what we have learned here today," said Aoshi more calmly than he probably should have sounded. The meditative "om" sound more like an agonized groan, but everyone joined in, even Sano.  
  
"Very good, class."  
  
**********  
  
People talking in movie shows,  
  
people smoking in bed,  
  
people voting republican,  
  
Give them Gatotsu to the head!  
  
Gatotsu to the head! Nyah, nyah!  
  
Gatotsu to the head! La, La!  
  
Gatotsu to the head! Na Na!  
  
Na na na na, nana!  
  
Gatotsu! to! the! head!  
  
Mechanics who can't fix a car,  
  
Politicians who can't think,  
  
The salesman who won't leave me alone,  
  
The waiter who forgot my drink.  
  
Gatotsu to the head! Nyah, nyah!  
  
Gatotsu to the head! La, La!  
  
Gatotsu to the head! Na Na!  
  
Na na na na, nana!  
  
Gatotsu! to! the! head!  
  
  
  
***********  
  
Yeah, I know Saitou probably would have killed many, many people, as would have Aoshi, since at least Saitou was using a normal Katana. But, whatever.  
  
My apologies to the Frantics, who originally did "Ti Kwan Leep (Boot to the head)", from which this is pretty much a direct rip, just set in the Meiji. And, if you haven't listened to it, go hunt it down. Good stuff. 


End file.
